In a dramatic U turn, the Government, Health Executive, and Vaccine Manufacturers have jointly issued a statement calling lockdowns a “complete waste of time”, and have urged the public to “wise up and get on with your lives”.

This extraordinary turn of events was prompted by a declaration from the WHO that “This isn’t a pandemic at all”. The chairman of the WHO, Dr Tedros Ghebreyesus, added that he had been a bit confused by Bill Gates. “To be honest”, he added “I’m more of a Marxist Terrorist type. I’m more comfortable with a gun”.

Bill Gates himself was understood to be annoyed with the turn of events. He issued a statement declaring that after his considerable investments in the BBC and other media outlets, he was disappointed to see the “lockdown infrastructure” being wound down prematurely. “I’ll just have to find other ways to get rid of people” he said.

This extraordinary series of statements was prompted by the admission from Ireland’s Health Service Executive that the PCR Covid 19 test is run at 45 cycles in Ireland and around the world. This led to an unexpected outcry from scientists who suddenly realised that the PCR test is a complete farce. “The PCR test was never intended as a diagnostic test for disease in the first place” they stated, “and at 45 cycles it is completely inaccurate”.

The Health Executive added:

“We feel stupid now, really. There never was a fraction of the number of cases that we were announcing. They were healthy, symptomless people. In fact, getting a positive PCR test for Covid 19 is like saying someone is in a room because you found a fragment of hair after they left. The test is meaningless”.

“Furthermore”, they added “we counted anyone who tested positive and died within 28 days, as dying WITH Covid 19. Which we allowed people to believe was the death toll for people who died OF Covid 19. Nothing could be further from the truth. SOZ”

The Vaccine Manufacturers, represented by Pfizer, noted that

“There are few cases, and very few deaths from Covid. In fact, there would be almost zero deaths were it not for the fact that we covered up the effective and cheap treatments like Hydroxychloroquin, Vitamin C, D and Zinc. But, there is no patents on those. We need money. Lots of money. We can’t help it. It’s who we are.”

Pfizer also stated that
“We covered up the effective treatments, because they were fatal to profits”

But in a defiant moment, they added:
“It’s your own fault, you gave us complete immunity from any consequences for harm caused by the vaccines. You asked for it.”

When asked what to do with the vaccine stocks, a spokesman suggested sending them on a rocket to outer space.

“That is some dodgy concoction we made there. When we tried before, all the animals died. But this time, you gave us immunity, so we didn’t bother with animal trials. We just rolled it out as an experiment. But we want to come clean about it.”

“We were all set to make €200 million in Ireland alone from just the first round of vaccine shots. Plus, we assured our investors that we would return to commercial inflated prices by autumn, and make €400 million in the autumn round. We had it all setup. Everyone was scared, and demented from the lockdowns. So they were literally fighting over who would get shot first.

It was hilarious TBH.

Plus we had the vaccine passport in the bag.
So, you’d have to get shot to travel, or shop, haha.

But then, a strange thing happened.

Everyone was treating us like their mammy and daddy. And we got all soft hearted. We just couldn’t bear to screw you over. Sob.”

The Irish Taoiseach, Micheal Martin stated that

“Ah, this is an awful mess really. But I’m just a school teacher. All these doctors and scientists had my head spinning..”

The Tainiste, Leo Varadkar added that

“We were wrong, but I’m still smug”.

The government has agreed to resign en masse and open a chain of eat-in cafés, with the brand name SOZ.

RTE and other media outlets have agreed to interview representatives of the anti lockdown argument. This follows the discovery of impartiality in the newsroom. It had been used to prop up a broken desk during the past year.

Youtube had agreed to reupload the 800,000 videos about covid that they deleted during 2020.

An Garda Síochana issued a statement that “Ye had us out standing in the cold all winter, beside our veh-hic-els, stopping other veh-hic-els. For no good reason. Grrrr”

All local councils have opened bring centres for face masks, which will recycled into wristbands to be used for the Re-opening concerts to be held in Croke Park from April to September.

The cliffs of Moher are to be opened 24 hours from today for members of the public to scream expletives into the wind.